Chapter from the powest "Lights far away" of Holdor Volcano
Translated by
Sarah Kendzyor. U.S.A.
First Love
I don’t subscribe to
the saying "There is no love in this world, the road of love is to
the bed.” Because in my youth a great wind of love swept me a way
like a harsh summer wind sweeps away the crops. There was a girl in
my village, Gulandom, whom I loved, and like a person bewitched by a
jinn, I dreamt of her constantly. I never tired of seeing her face.
If I saw her with other girls, I would say "ohhh” and duck away
quickly. I could not summon the courage to write her a letter telling
her of my love. I worried that if I wrote her, she’d say something
like: "I beg your pardon, but I do not love you. Please don’t
write me any more letters,” or that she would write me a negative
response, or tear up my letters. The road seemed to be blocked.I
wanted to fearlessly say to her, "Guli, I am in love with you”
but when I stood before her I couldn’t even speak. This was
especially true if a movie would come to our village, which for me
was a happy occasion, because my heart would leap at the thought of
Guli also attending this movie. I would wash and get dressed up and
head out for the evening event. As it became dark, people would sit
out on the grass. Women would come out, excited to see the show,
chatting and sewing fancy clothes, stomping ants that crawled on the
ground. The
film that was playing was called "Sangam”. I watched with my own
eyes as people wept, moved by the main character Sundr, who gazed at
the sky in order to keep from crying and sang a piano song about an
unfaithful friend. Like Sundr I wanted to be an aviator, supporting
my homeland in the military, jumping from a parachute while under
siege, a military commander presumed to be dead: "In
the course of defending the homeland, Xaldarsinx died a heroic death
and has been named a hero of the Soviet Union. In front of the office
of the "Maslaxat” collective farm an official document
proclaiming his heroism and a military order covered in dark cloth
are to be delivered to his father, Abdumalik aka, and to Guli. If I
recover in the hospital, a black ribbon affixed to my picture, as she
weeps, lips trembling, as she regards the documents, then like Sunder
I will look elsewhere in order to stop the tears flowing from my eyes
over the piano song of his unfaithful friend.. Guli:
"Xaldarsinx, I swear
to God, stop it, this song of yours! You have won my heart with what
you have written!” I wished she would say, and if she cried, I
would keep on singing, and singing…However, my dream did not come
to pass. I could not be an aviator. And when I joined the military,
Guli had already married a boy named Muzaffar. One very rainy day we
ran into each other in the village shopping district. She had a child
in her arms. We inquired as to our respective situations, and as we
walked along we began to talk. "Xoldor-aka,
when we were young we had such good times, it was almost like a fairy
tale.” I said: " Yesss, and now that I’ve become a writer and
poet who has published books, I do not know if what I’ve said has
emptied the treasure trove of words that I have.”
"If your sons marry,
will you invite me to the wedding?” she asked.
"Of course,” I
answered. Finally it became time for us to say goodbye.
"Xoldor-aka,” Guli
said, "has our time walking together on this road come to an end…?”
I understood then that
Guli had always loved me and still does today. When we were young I
had thought of myself as an ugly child, and so I never told Guli of
my love for her, I had many insecurities. We spent a long time that
day in the rain, saying goodbye. Guli finally left to make her way
home, and as I watched her go, I stood in the rain and cried. Oh
Guli, Guli, I am so ashamed, why do I love, yet only tell myself?
Afterwards I took out my notebook and pen and wrote:
Today I saw the girl I
loved on the street
Her hair grew lighter as
she left.
This world is very
curious. I separated from my first wife, and then married again. My
wife’s name is Gulsora but I call her Guli. Every time I say Guli I
am reminded of my first love Gulandom walking into the distance. When
I told this to my wife, she laughed. She takes pity on me.
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